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In This Article:
- Seven deep questions to help you reflect before ending a marriage
- The hidden emotional toll of divorce on children and family stability
- Understanding whether childhood trauma is influencing your urge to leave
- How personal accountability can shift your view of relationship struggles
- Why slowing down may lead to wiser long-term decisions
Thinking About Divorce? Ask Yourself These 7 Questions
by Pamela Henry, author of the book "Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce".
There are so many questions I wish I’d asked myself before divorcing. By writing them down and thinking about their answers, I was able to do the critical thinking I could have done at the time.
If you're heading towards a divorce, now's the time to ask yourself important questions — and see where the answers lead you. In some cases, they may stop you in your tracks, before it's too late.
7 Questions to Contemplate Before Deciding
1) Can I trace a “point of return” where I first went wrong in my marriage?
This is vital to see on your end where you first withdrew in the marriage, even if it was in response to something “he” or “she” did first. To know where you first started backing up can help you return to that point and move forward again. This is an essential part of taking accountability for your role in the marriage — the 100 percent of your 50 percent of it.
2) Have I thought about my children’s feelings as part of my decision-making?
The answer for me was no, not at the time. If I had considered my children's feelings up front, I would not have chosen to divorce. This is plain and simple: They depended on us as a married couple, and I was mobilizing to break up the very foundation of their life as they knew it. They had all the initial reactions that any empathic parent would respond to. But I'll admit that, at the time, I was too self-centered and self-absorbed to take them into consideration.
3) Have I considered the emotional impact of divorce on our children?
It’s a good idea to talk to other divorced couples about what really happens to the children in divorced families. Find out how their children reacted, how their behavior changed, and what became of them in the aftermath. The stories will likely be a big deterrent to ever wanting to put your own children through such trauma voluntarily. The exception is if it’s to save their lives in the case of abusive or addictive family scenarios that threaten people’s safety and security.
4) Is there anything I could be wrong about in my assessment of my marriage, my spouse, or myself?
While I thought I had a handle on the situation, I was solo-minded and didn’t know it. I was thinking of myself and not the family’s well-being. Even though I was in counseling, I did not consider other people’s feelings. I was so self-focused on my agenda that I wasn’t open to input or challenges from other people. Nor did I seek out the wisdom of other people. Making a pro and con list could have helped clarify the situation.
5) Am I trying to escape something from my own childhood by initiating divorce?
I didn’t know that my own childhood issues were behind my urge to flee. At the time, I felt I was on top of those issues and dealing with them squarely. But they were calling the shots without my knowledge. This is especially true when our own children reach the ages that we were when childhood abuse or trauma occurred. We have to survive these breaking points.
6) What are my beliefs about what divorce will do for me?
If you’re thinking of freedom, you might want to explore the freedom inherent in honoring your commitments. If you’re on a fast track towards divorce, you may be on the run from issues that could, instead, be set free with truth and support. True freedom lies in the integrity of being true to yourself and others.
7) Is there any behavior I’m currently doing that is bad for my marriage?
Some of your behaviors could be creating the desire to divorce. Instead, back up and face the destructive issue, seek help to put that in reverse, and see if the urge to divorce dissipates. You wouldn’t want your own behavior to be the real reason the marriage is ending.
You could be pointing to the other person when the real culprit is on your own side of the garden. By tending to the garden, you can produce new fruit! In one survey, only 11 percent of people claimed to be at fault for the divorce — the rest blamed the other person or “us” as a couple.
From Impulse to Introspection
When one person wants out and the other wants to stay married, it often doesn’t lend itself to introspection as a couple. But the more open a couple can be to questioning the impact, especially as it pertains to the effect on the children, the better off they'll be by not acting on impulsive considerations.
Every Sunday, I hold Club 30 meetings on Zoom. Club 30 stands for the approximately 30 percent of divorced adults who regret their decision to leave their marriage. These are meetings that allow people to slow down and consider the future using these questions and more. They give married parents the room to take a step back and reconsider their urge to divorce — which some tell me is just what they needed.
Copyright 2025. All Rights Reserved.
Book by this Author:
BOOK: Soul Custody
Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce
by Pamela Henry.
In this powerful memoir, Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce exposes the hidden phenomenon of “escapist divorces,” cases where married parents pursue separation not from genuine irreconcilable differences, but from unresolved personal demons. Drawn from Pamela’s deep personal experience and spiritual insight, this book challenges the modern impulse to divorce as a solution to marital discord.
Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce isn't just another book about saving marriages. It's a courageous review of how facing ourselves within our marriages can lead to the liberation we mistakenly seek in divorce. It’s an essential read for anyone considering divorce or counseling those who are heading toward it.
For more info and/or to order this hardcover book, click here. Also available as a Kindle edition, an Audiobook, and a paperback.
About the Author
Pamela Henry has worked in the field of supervised visitation for non-custodial parents, written newspaper columns on family matters, and offered classes in shared custody parenting, including "Parenting with a Pen" and "Pandora's Box: Managing a Private Journal Collection." She has a degree in telecommunications from San Diego State and earned a certificate in Early Childhood Education from UC Riverside. She's also the owner of Soul Custody Press, which publishes memoirs with a message. Her new book is Soul Custody: Sparing Children from Divorce. Learn more at Soul Custody Press – Memoirs with a Message. To learn more about Club 30 meetings, email the author at
Article Recap:
This article offers seven powerful, soul-searching questions for anyone contemplating divorce. Drawing on her personal experience, Pamela Henry encourages readers to deeply reflect on their role in the relationship, the impact of divorce on their children, and unresolved emotional issues that could be driving the decision to divorce. The goal is to move from impulsive action to informed introspection and decision.
#DivorceDecision #QuestionsBeforeDivorce #MarriageReflection #ParentingThroughDivorce #EmotionalHealing #RelationshipAdvice #SoulCustody #DivorceRegret #ThinkBeforeDivorce
