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In This Article
- Why people-pleasing keeps us from true happiness
- How to recognize and break free from societal expectations
- The importance of listening to your heart in decision-making
- Why setting boundaries leads to greater joy and fulfillment
- How living authentically benefits both you and those around you
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing and Find True Joy
by Marie T. Russell.
I recently received an email from someone who was sharing that their new attitude when making decisions and choices, both in their personal life and at work, is “Life’s too short”. Now of course each one of us will have our own interpretation or "take" on that expression but here’s how I interpret that saying and that choice.
When we are at a decision-making point in our life, as to whether to do one thing or the other, we might have a tendency to lean towards what we think we “should” do, instead of what our heart yearns to do. And the message my friend relayed was that life is too short to not choose the path that makes your heart sing.
Yet so many of us make choices out of obligation, out of societal-expectation, out of “shoulds”. I learned years ago (and am still relearning) that when we make a decision in order to please someone else and it goes against the grain of what we feel we would enjoy, things just don’t turn out well.
I’ve seen it so many times in my life. When I say “yes” to somethingn that I really don’t want to do, it usually turns out negatively… I get caught in traffic when it’s not rush hour, I get in an argument over nothing, the event is cancelled once we get there, I get a flat tire, etc. etc.
However, when I chose to say “no” to an invitation or a project that didn’t appeal to me, even though people might not have understood at the time, eventually it came clear that this was indeed the best choice. And that was true, not only for me, but for the other person I had said “no” to. And most times, I did not have the words to explain “why” I was saying no. It was just a feeling that it wasn’t right for me, or even that it wasn’t right, period.
Whether the insight came from my heart center, my gut or intuition, or my mind’s knowledge… it was just clear to me that I had to say “no” to this particular invitation or project… without being able to justify my decision. Which reminds me of the saying: “No, is a complete sentence.” We don’t have to justify or explain to someone else “why” we are saying no. It just is. Explaining is simply trying to get them to see it our way, and since we are all unique, you can’t “make” someone see things from your perspective (unless they are very empathic).
Where Is Your True Self?
Contrary to what we may have been taught, we are not here to please others… whether those others are society, our partner, children, parents, extended family, co-workers, boss, friends, and even our pets. We are here to listen to our own heart and do what resonates with our true self in our heart. This is where our life purpose is written… in our heart.
You may be familiar with the story that states that when God was creating humans, the angels discussed as to where the knowledge of man’s divinity should be hidden… the moon, the bottom of the ocean? But is was decided that it would be hidden in a human’s heart as that was the last place they would look. Unfortunately, this seems to have been the case. We look outside of ourselves for our fulfilment… in material things, in career success, in power, etc. Yet our divinity, thus our true purpose and source of happiness is within, in our heart.
Who Are You In Charge of?
We are not in charge of other people’s happiness. We are only in charge of ours. We are not in charge of other people’s choices, only ours. And when you put those two observations together. you realize that you cannot choose an action that will “make” other people happy. Happiness is their choice just as unhappiness at what you have decided, is their choice. And this statement attributed to Abraham Lincoln says it well:
“Most folks are about as happy
as they make up their minds to be.”
There is a saying: You can’t please everyone. This is definitely true and trying to please everyone would be a path straight to misery and unhappiness. However, the question is: Should we even think we “should” have to please anyone, other than ourselves?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that we need to focus on not-pleasing others, but rather that it should not be a criteria in deciding what we do. They are in charge of their happiness, not you. They decide whether they will be happy “for you” or unhappy “with you”. That choice is in their hands and their mind.
What Is For Your Highest Good?
First we need to consider what is best for us, because we are the ones responsible for our happiness – no one else is. And what I’ve found is that when I base my decisions on what is best for me, it also turns out to be best for the other person, even if it’s not obvious immediately.
There’s a great anecdote about Rick Nelson (whom I remember as a teen as Ricky Nelson) who was booed at a Madison Square Garden concert when he sang some new songs rather than stick only to his “tried and true” and popular hits. He stayed true to himself and kept on singing his new songs. And this inspired him to write “Garden Party” which includes these lyrics:
“But it's all right now,
I learned my lesson well.
You see, you can't please everyone,
So you got to please yourself.”
Life’s Too Short to Live Someone Else's Dreams
Life’s too short to be miserable. Life’s too short to live someone else’s dream and not your own. Life’s too short to sacrifice your truth and your purpose to someone else’s desires and requirements. And no, this doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you authentic and it gives others the freedom to be true to themselves also, since we teach best by example. So let’s start tuning in to our heart, to what makes our heart vibrate with joy, excitement, and gives us a reason to get up in the morning with a smile on our face and a song in our heart.
So many people are living lives of “quiet desparation” as Henry David Thoreau observed in 1854 in his book Walden: “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
And I believe that not being true to our authentic self is one of the greatest illnesses in our society, and it has led to where we are now… unhappy people creating chaos through mass shootings, marital and child abuse, road rage, rudeness, hatred, arrogance, lack of compassion, and more.
People have been turned into slaves to the “requirements” of a society that preaches the need for more, for competing with the Jones, and keeping up to “standards” (set by others). And that leads to misery. That leads to people choosing careers and jobs, not because that particular calling makes their heart sing, but because the paycheck or the security will be greater. Some people pick a mate because they are pretty or handsome, or rich, or are liked by their friends, or fit some other criteria of a “perfect” spouse.
Yet, life’s too short to live a life of quiet desperation. We need to ask ourselves: On my deathbed do I want to be able to say that I toed the line, and did what I was told (subliminally or directly) and kept aiming for more material “rewards”… bigger house, newer car, flashier clothes, the latest I-Phone, the most exotic vacation, etc.?
Or do we want to sigh with contentment and say, I lived my life in a way that fulfilled my sense of purpose and I was true to myself and I die with a feeling of true contentment and satisfaction with a life well-lived.
Life Is Not A Dress Rehearsal
I read a statement by Wayne Dyer the other day (in his Perpetual Calendar) which I have on my breakfast nook and started this year reading each morning. The message was:
“Somehow we’ve got this notion
that life is a dress rehearsal.
It isn’t. This is it!”
That resonated with me and it ties in perfectly with the “Life’s too short” theme. We don’t get a do-over for this life. We are here, and this is the life we have right now. If we waste it, if we dedicate it to accumulation and greed or to pleasing someone else (including the powers that be), we will have wasted the gift of this life.
I’m not suggesting we go out and abandon everything and everyone in our life. But I am suggesting that we start examiming our choices and decisions according to whether they make our heart sing, or they make our heart sad. Life’s too short to pick sadness and disappointment in ourselves.
We can start basing our choices on creating a feeling of joy and satisfaction in our heart. Because, it is true, our life is finite… and it’s too short to waste on things that are not meaningful and true to our purpose and our essence. And if you don’t know what your purpose and your truth are, the best way to discover it is to tune in to, and listen to, your heart.
Copyright 2025. All Rights Reserved.
Related Book:
BOOK: Empowering Practices for the Highly Sensitive
Empowering Practices for the Highly Sensitive: An Experiential Guide to Working with Subtle Energies
by Bertold Keinar.
Allowing sensitives to stop sacrificing important parts of their unique nature in order to fit in, this guide supports empaths to become more comfortable with their heightened awareness, protect their energetic systems, and embrace full participation in society, where their gifts are sorely needed.
For more info and/or to order this book, click here. Also available as an Audiobook and a Kindle edition.
About The Author
Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.
Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com
